Wedding vows

Yesterday I was in my childhood best friend’s wedding. It was a beautiful ceremony and I thought since I was so happy for her I wouldn’t cry or feel sad for myself. But when the minister was speaking about the Biblical foundations for marriage and the reason women even exist, I was suddenly overwhelmed with the deepest grief that my relationship was not based on what it should have been. I was never seen by my husband as his helpmate, his companion, his flesh. He put his family, friends, coworkers before me and I’ll never understand why. Our relationship really meant nothing to him. I ask why I was not good enough, not worthy of that kind of love and being cherished in that way. The Bible says the man shall leave his family and he will become one flesh with his wife. The couple should put God first in their lives or it will not work. I think back at how godless my spouse was. He pretended to be religious when it suited him to do so but he did not have a relationship with God. You can’t build a marriage on lies. In a biblical marriage relationship the man is to be the spiritual leader of the family and he wasn’t. I can’t be the spiritual leader for him, it isn’t my place. I am truly wired to be the helper, the support, not the leader. I will choose more wisely next time if I do ever marry again. I pray I have learned from my mistakes.

PTSD

A few days ago I met with my new lawyer. Although he reassured me that he is more than capable of handling my case, he informed me of the court appointed counselor’s opinion. It is his clinical opinion that I am suffering from PTSD. I am 27 years old in two days and in my whole life I never would have imagined I would be labeled with something like that. I have become a statistic in several ways and I never expected that for my life. I was always shy and a goody-goody growing up. My dream was to become a writer. I never really saw myself married for some odd reason and now I understand that better. I’m not sure I ever want to be married again. I need to rebuild my self-esteem and get out of the rut of feeling shell-shocked. I need to stop trying to figure out why and how I became a victim more times than I can count. I need to move on.
But with it written in stone, those words on paper, I imagine them saying, “Patient’s symptoms consistent with PTSD. Advised to seek further counseling.”
When I told my mom about it she said it out loud to herself as if I had been diagnosed with a brain tumor and leprosy simultaneously. And her fix-it personality already went to work figuring out what we would do about it as soon as the words came out of her mouth. I love her for that, but this may be something I have to do on my own because I don’t want her to suffer when I suffer as she has a habit of doing. She literally feels my pain. I feel enough guilt from my marriage that I don’t think I can handle the burden of that.

Things I miss about having a spouse

This is a list of the things I miss most about having a spouse or a significant other. I’ve been gone 4 months. I haven’t been without a close male friend, boyfriend, or spouse in eleven years, so this is strange for me. Even though my ex is a soulless cretin, I have to admit there were good times sprinkled in our marriage. I miss:
1. Someone to scratch my back when it itches in that spot in the middle that no one can reach by themselves
2. Someone to shower with occasionally
3. Being touched in ways only a lover can touch you (not dirty, just things like running their fingers through your hair, but yes, I also miss sex)
4. Going on dates or doing something as a couple
5. Home improvement projects
6. Gardening/yard work together
7. Inside jokes that make you roll on the floor laughing
8. Beating someone at Scrabble
9. Grilling out several times a week
10. Taking the dogs for a hike or to the lake
11. Dressing up as a couple for Halloween
12. Sleeping as a little spoon…I need a new big spoon :(
13. Late night smoothies
14. Giving gifts for birthdays and Christmas and being content watching them enjoy their gift
15. Picking out and cutting a Christmas tree, then strapping it on top of a sedan with the hopes it won’t fall off and then later decorating it together
…to be continued

He wanted me dead, how lucky am I to be alive?

My husband had been plotting something and I have been trying to figure it all out since I left him August 8th. He had a 9mm Glock that he had moved since our son was born. When I asked him where it was he said he removed it from the house because he was afraid to have it around with the way we would argue. He admitted that he didn’t trust himself with access to the weapon as angry as he gets with me. After he told me that I was so terrified that I couldn’t be around him without shaking. It was hard to hide the feeling that I would vomit if he came too close. I hesitated to drink anything he handed me in those final days of our marriage. His mood was strange and disturbing. I woke up from a nap with him inches from my face. He woke me one night squeezing my arm as hard as he could. I can’t even describe or communicate the awful feeling in my gut. I was living with a complete stranger who more than once had verbally wished me dead. His mother wanted my son for her own as all her sons were leaving or had left the nest. She was a bored ex soccer mom whose only hobbies were playing tennis and meddling in everyone’s lives. Ruining my marriage was this woman’s job. Her eldest son, my husband, was her closest confidant. And thus their scheme to get rid of me began when I refused to be their door mat. I am lucky to be alive and believe that with all my heart. It is sobering to think my once companion betrayed me this way. Of course he is playing the saint and denying everything to the court. If I could find truth serum I would make sure he was given a double dose so that I would have justice when we have our final divorce trial some day. It will be torturous to try and heal from his treachery if he gets away with it. I lay my soul before the court, bearing all, naked and open, hiding nothing, ashamed of naught, to have my justice one day. For all I have suffered from these people, they should have to make restitution.

Gypsy trash

Today my sweet child had to spend the day with his father, aka Gypsy Trash, GT. For the remainder of the post that is how I will refer to my ex husband.
Friday I asked the plan for sweet one’s visit and GT claimed they were staying at our marital home and watching a football game. In reality, GT took him to tailgate outside all day in a fleece suit when it was sunny and warm. My child came home with heat rash on his stomach, diaper area, and face. I have to admit it makes me hate GT even more, if that was possible. The embers from the raging inferno in my soul are reignited by his lies.
I know I cannot heal with these feelings taking such a hold on my soul. I have the worst feeling in my core being when I think of him causing my son any discomfort because I know what GT is capable of doing to harm others with his disregard. I am sick with anger and I lay prostrate before God begging for forgiveness and for help in forgiving. I know I can’t do this on my own. I am so weak in spirit sometimes. I pray for grace.
Lord have mercy on me and help me show mercy to one who least deserves it.